I'm listening to Matt Costa "Songs that we sing". It was actually my roommate's cd so I guess I should now delete it off my computer since I no longer live with her. Do you ever wonder about the small indiscretions? I guess they are all the same to God, but sometimes it feels so legalistic to be good about everything.
And what about arguments? I guess one always thinks that he or she is right. Still, backing down doesn't seem to be working well with my self-esteem or my temper. What do I do? Invisible friend, can you answer this for me? I can't imagine God as my invisible friend. Jesus, I think I would make you to much of my own interpretation, not that I don't already. I don't think I would remember how I have made you suffer. Can you read this. Can you tell me again that I am found. I don't mean to test you; I just want to ask you to come closer. You said you I don't need to search anymore. Find me.
So, I'm done school for the year. I'm at a loss of what to do. Do you ever feel like that when you've finished something that is so much a part of you. I've spent the year studying and sleeping and procrastinating. At least sleep is in there this time. I remember once when I played at a piano festival. I played relatively well considering my hands always shake and I get sweaty and figdity. My foot starts to almost vibrate up and down. Still, I played well. And still I started to cry when it was done. I don't think it was that I was all that upset, just overwhelmed. The lack of stress became a stress. I didn't win, so I couldn't celebrate. There was nothing and I mourned because of it. What are we to do with nothing? I think some people may rejoice. "Yes! I can breathe again!" That's what I wrote on facebook after my last exam. Some are introverts and need to recover. Maybe some would take the opportunity to look to God. I don't know what the rest would do. Me? With nothing? Well, I guess there are times I've been all three, but sometimes I feel lonely, without purpose. Like after exams. It's such a relief, but I guess I still feel lost. It's not bad or wrong. I don't mean to complain. Do you ever wonder though? Can I be lost and still know acceptance? Where is nothing and when will it become the barrier between my thoughts and my God. Be my friend God.
Also, did you know that you can drag the a highlighted section's cursor over a word document on the menu bar and Word will open (except I use free open office) and then you can paste without clicking. Isn't that wonderful?
If I were given the choice to see the big picture, perpective by my own power to understand my own being, but more importantly, who am I kidding. I was completely thinking about myself. ... If I were given the choice between understanding and not, I think I would choose understanding. I guess I'm glad that God chose. He knows.
