So, here I am again. It's funny. Fas Gas brings one closer to God. When we need Him, then I look for his promises, but then when I feel I can walk on my own, I let go of his hand...only to feel insecure once more...I'm searching for my Father to pick me up but I guess I'm scared to ask this many times. I'm lonely. I want friends. No boyfriends please...just friends. God, can you show me joy again. I feel like I'm asking you for only your "easy to live with" gifts...and when I get them I run away. I guess what I'm saying is that I can't do it alone. I can't live with this stress. I can't live alone...and I'm scared to ask for your help, again. But all your gifts are good. Will you give them all to me. Will you give me everything you need to give me? Will you show me your face.
I'm always so scared I will lie to myself. I'm scared if I don't worry, things will fall apart. God? Do I have that much power? Can worry solve it all, or anything? No! You tell me not to worry, so why I do, I'm not sure. I make mistakes. You know that. I AM NOT PERFECT! Does everyone understand that okay? But I don't have to be; I'm still accepted, and just because I'm not perfect doesn't mean that I have to run from God and solve my problems with worry. Jesus came for the sick. I'm sick. I'm scared Jesus. Can't you show me your face already? I want to see you. I want to live in joy. Is your joy conditional. I want to know your promises are eternal and everlasting. Can I ask for them again? Am I using cheap grace?
God, you created me to love. To love others, to love you and to be loved. Help me accept this. Help me to live in THAT joy...and if I can't love that you made me, how do I love you. Give me all the strength to love and laugh and not worry. Show me your face. Give me your peace.
Thanks for supper tonight.
Yours
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